the one where I write.

So I had a date the other night. Yes, my first one.
Who knows why it’s taken me this long. Struggles with my body certainly don’t help. I mean, it’s not like it’s that much different now than it was 9 months ago. No I didn’t have a baby. I started running about 9 months ago. I did a triathlon 2 months ago.
But enough about me. Let’s talk about the date.

It was pretty low pressure- asked a friend via e-mail to dinner, then a party. I was already going to see him earlier that day so we were to finalize our plan then. We chatted later, I suggested the Standard Tap, a place I’d heard served excellent food and had a good beer list. I picked him up and we made our way to the restaurant.
Dinner was good, the beer was excellent. Conversation went well, too. We talked about all the things you need to catch up on with someone you know-but-don’t-know-but-want-to-know-more-about-what-you-do-know (got that?). I paid the bill (because- woo! I got a promotion!) which felt slightly awkward, but not in that “I mind” kind of way. We took our Phillies swag (being given away for free) and headed out the door.
As we walked, we talked about some things we have in common and he asked my opinion on something. As part of my reply, I looped my arm through his (my big move of the night) and we walked like that all the way to the car.
We went to the party, where I did my best not to follow him around (we both knew people there) but towards the end of the evening, as I was getting tired (apple/pumpkin picking followed by a run will do that to you), I kept standing near him/listening to whatever conversation was going on around us. I didn’t add much to the convo- they were mainly talking in/about Spanish, not something I have a knowledge base for.
Finally the evening ended and we headed for the door. At the door, this cute (to me) thing happened: our hostess for the evening was using her “Greek guilt” tactics to try and convince us to stay and eat more. He grabbed my arm and escorted me outside amidst the laughter.
The card ride home was relatively quiet, some chatter about mutual friends, pumpkin carving the next weekend, etc. I dropped him off and he bounced out of the car and into his house.
Ok, so this is obviously me overanalyzing the whole situation, but I think it’s my due. It was my first! Let me continue.

I saw a glimpse of him on Sunday evening- passing like ships in the night.
I saw him again on Tuesday (he’s at my house every Tuesday for a small group meeting with my roommate and others) and had a slightly awkward conversation about the pumpkin carving (it’s not happening, he fumbled through something about friends coming in from out of town) and I dashed out the door for a late night run.
When the meeting was over, I came out of my room in search of dinner. Everyone was standing in our kitchen cooing over our new kitten (Louise!) so I chatted a bit and waited for everyone to move out the door. We exchanged a look or two (and me in my gross running gear still! I spent a few minutes in my room staring at myself in the mirror and saying “this is who you are” in order to convince myself not to change before I went out there), but that was it.
My roommate asked me how I felt seeing him after the weekend, and I thought (and still do) that it was awkward, but OK. I had realized at some point during the evening that he wasn’t there to see me, so I could not expect very much from him.

Here’s the kicker- I don’t know how to proceed from here! Did he even consider that a date? Did he have a good time? Is he interested in me? Should I just wait until I see him again (on more neutral territory) and see what happens? Yes, that sounds like a good option. A safe option.
Do I want to be safe? I’ve been safe for 26 years and look where it’s gotten me.

I know these are all normal things to wonder. But I like writing them down. This has been swarming in my head all week and it feels good to put it down.

226

It's been a while. And I do owe you a true update.
But for now...

On My Nightstand:
The Constant Princess by Philippa Gregory
Wicked
Guy not Taken by Jennifer Weiner

In my Netflix Queue:
Love’s Enduring Promise
Tenacious D: Complete Masterworks (2-disc)
A Good Year

Listening to:
Pandora Radio (before it dies!)
Yael Naim
Mechanical Bride

What I’m Searching for on Google:
Rinsing hair with Vinegar
Speed workouts for running
Koozies
Free photo editors

On My Mind:
Brother’s Wedding
Running
Jobs

Learning:
What I want to do after this job is finished (It’s a contracted project, up at the end of the February)
How much sleep I need
That I can do push-ups!

Making:
Curtains
Colored sashes
Handbags

Looking Forward To:
My race on Saturday
Nate’s Birthday party!
Women’s only Potluck

Enjoying:
Homemade Salsa
Tacos/burritos (anything Mexican, really)

Baking:
Banana Cake
Fruit Salad (not baked, but still fits here)
Grilled corn with queso fresco

My Birthday

I’m 26. Today is my birthday- a day of dreams, hopes, milestones.
I’ve lived a quarter of my life and I am...happier than I think I expected to be.
Life has been good. Hard at times, a total blessing at others. I have family members who sincerely love me and friends who care for my well-being.
I am now coming to accept my body for what it is- overweight and tired of being that way. 12 pounds. Do you know how long it's been since I stopped obsessing over my weight? Not that the obsession did me any good- I was rarely able to control my emotional eating, nor did I want to. Eating was the easy part. Facing the fact that I had (have) a father who doesn't know how to love me unless he is spending money on me is not. For once in my life, I want the change- and my body needs it. It has sent out its SOS and I've been lucky.
So I'm 26. I've never truly kissed a boy, been out on a date and my only relationships are with friends. Of course A and B are tied together. Sewn together really. Because why let someone in when food can be my relationship? When food can take the place of my father-figure...
But now I am 26. I am at a new place, I can start fresh. I've been thinking about running. And tonight someone (one of those dear care-ers) mentioned Lent.
And for Lent, I think I want to run.
Lent is a time to "live in my discomfort" in whatever way manifests itself. Acknowledging my unending need for french fries and then "giving up" eating them. Running because for so long I have hated to run. Because I can't without feeling gross and inadequate and uncomfortable.
But even if I only make it around the block by the end, I will have run, I will have lived in it. I will have endured some sort of suffering just like Jesus was a care-er enough to do for me.
For so long I've let myself suffer in unhealthy ways. both physically and mentally. Not that I have low self esteem, but I'm OK with being jaded and grumpy for most of my 8-hour work day. I'm OK with being lazy more often than I have a Get-Things-Done attitude.
But now I have had another birthday and I am 26. I do rock. I want to relish my awesome-ness and stop wallowing in my unhealthy ways. God is good to me more often than I want to recognize.
I want to spend the next year recognizing that and appreciating what is around me.

Last week's list

I wrote my list last week, but never got the chance to post it...

On My Nightstand:
Traveling Mercies: Thoughts on Failth by Anne Lamott (currently reading)
The Stand by Stephen King
The Girl’s Guide to Starting a Business

In my Netflix Queue:
The Family Stone
Born into Brothels
The Motorcycle Diaries

Listening to:
This American Life Podcast
Funk on Pandora Radio
Glen Hansard (did the music for the movie Once)

What I’m Searching for on Google:
Nikon and Canon Cameras
Endocrinologists
Depositions

On My Mind:
Family Drama
Organization
Party Decorations

Learning:
What I want to do after this job is finished (It’s a contracted project, up at the end of the summer)
The best way to draw big circles (on a blank wall)
About my need for therapy

Making:
An Amy Butler Bag for the CRAFT: Contest
Bags for Chloe and Karen
Snowflake-y Stars

Looking Forward To:
Birthday Party
Love Feast
Dinner with Mom
Seeing Nick and Melissa!

Enjoying:
Cara Cara Oranges (See a citrus theme?)

Baking:
Red Velvet Cupcakes
Vanilla Cupcakes
Peanut Butter Cupcakes
Chocolate Icing
Cream Cheese Icing
Peanut Butter Icing
Hot Spinach/Artichoke Dip (thank you Knorr!)

246

On My Nightstand:
Traveling Mercies: Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott (currently reading)
The Girl’s Guide to Starting a Business
The Stand by Stephen King

In my Netflix Queue:
Alias Season 5
X-Men 3: The Last Stand
SNL: The Best of Molly Shannon
Into the Arms of Strangers

Listening to:
Keane
This American Life Podcast
String music (classical/symphony)
Pandora Radio
Glen Hansard, the Flames (did the music for the movie Once)

What I’m Searching for on Google:
Nikon and Canon Cameras
Anne Lamott
Cupcake recipes
Ribbon outlets in/near Philly
Wharton Small Business Development Center

On My Mind:
“Good better best, Never let it rest, Until the good is better, And the better best”
Family Drama
Organization
Combinations of teal and lime-y green

Learning:
What I want to do after this job is finished (It’s a contracted project, up at the end of the summer)
The best way to draw big circles (on a blank wall)

Making:
An Amy Butler Bag for the CRAFT: Contest
A bag for Chloe and Karen
Embellishing my vintage pillowcase

Looking Forward To:
Birthday Plans
Cupcakes
Once

Enjoying:
Blood Oranges

Baking:
Lemon Squares (add an extra Tablespoon of lemon zest- it’s worth the grating! I also used 8 large eggs to the requested 6 extra-large eggs)
Tomato-Corn-Shrimp Chowder (although is it a chowder if it has pasta instead of potatoes?) The inspiration was based on this post and the cover of the February Real Simple.
Macaroni and Cheese with Acorn Squash and Pimentos. So good, you don’t even know the squash is in it and can barely taste the Pimentos.

Macaroni and Cheese
With Acorn Squash and Pimentos

In advance:
Take an acorn squash, cut it in half, take out the seeds and stringy bits and place it in a baking dish that is 1/3 full of water. Bake at 350 degrees F for 45 minutes or until a fork can slide easily into it. Once cooled, scrape out the interiors. You can refrigerate this for 3 days or start your mac and cheese now.

Ingredients:
16 ox box pasta (I used elbow macaroni)
1 block of cheese, grated (I used mild white cheddar, but you can add your fave)
1 small jar pimentos, drained
2 cups milk
Cooked Acorn Squash (see above)
½ cup butter
½ cup flour
kosher salt and pepper to taste.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Start water boiling for pasta. Cook as package directs. In a blender, combine the squash, pimentos and milk. Grate cheese (if you haven’t already). When you add the pasta to the water, melt butter in a pot on the stove. Once all the butter is melted, add the flour and sir until smooth and bubbly. Gradually add milk/squash/pimento mixture, stir and let heat until it begins to thicken. Add Cheese by the handful until it has melted, stirring until it is incorporated. When pasta is done, drain into colander. Pour cheese mixture into pasta pot then return cooked pasta. Mix together and taste. Add salt and pepper to flavor. Taste again.
Grease a 13”x9” pan. Pour in macaroni and cheese then place in over. Cook for 20 minutes. Take it out and try to wait for it to cool before tasting. Amaze friends with the secret ingredients.

Today.

On My Nightstand:
Jane Austen’s Charlotte (finished this week)
Traveling Mercies: Thoughts on Failth by Anne Lamott (currently reading)
The Girl’s Guide to Starting a Business
The Stand by Stephen King

In my Netflix Queue:
Alias Season 5
X-Men 3: The Last Stand
SNL: The Best of Molly Shannon
Into the Arms of Strangers

What I’m Searching for on Google:
Calligraphy Classes
Amy Butler Fabrics
Blood Oranges
Nikon and Canon Cameras

On My Mind:
Birthday plans
The Council
Painting the stairwell at Broad and Washington
Family Drama
Brother’s Wedding

Learning:
Fabric Weaving
How to beat Dr. Nefarious (Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal)

Making:
An Amy Butler Bag for the CRAFT: Contest
A bag for Chloe and Karen
Embellishing my vintage pillowcase

Looking Forward To:
Dinner tonight with Sarah
Celebrating Amie’s Birthday tomorrow night
The Council Meeting
AMPM!

Enjoying:
Clementines, Blood Oranges and Citrus scents
Playing and Petting the Lady-Cat

yesterday

Breakfast:
Banana
1 slice Amish Freindship Bread with Butter

AM Snack:
1 cup snack mix (goldfish, cashews, almonds, raisins, peanut butter pretzels)

Lunch:
Turkey pattie
Green Beans

Afternoon snack:
pretzel with cheese dip

Dinner:
Turkey pattie
Green Beans
Goat Cheese

PM Snack:
1/4 cup mac and cheese (with spinach)
tortilla chips with spinach/avocado dip
1/2 small cinnamon bun with icing

.

Visit to the doctor on Wednesday has left me with yearning for change. Change now!

I still can't believe I got so visibly upset in talking about my weight. Tears pouring, pouring down my face. I couldn't stop them, get a hold of myself. Doctor seemed concerned, but I always have that kind of reaction when I talk about something that is close to me, hard for me, has been an embarassment.

I can change. I am changing. I hope this represents the change I yearn for.

250

Yesterday

Breakfast:
1 Banana
1 slice Amish Friendship Bread

AM Snack:
1 cup snack mix (cashews, almonds, raisins, peanut butter pretzels)
1 bag Goldfish

Lunch:
Grilled Chicken with Avocado on Focaccia
Sweet Potato Chips

Dinner:
Turkey pattie
Green Beans
Baked Potato with Cheese

Exercise:
Walked 32 Blocks