My Birthday

I’m 26. Today is my birthday- a day of dreams, hopes, milestones.
I’ve lived a quarter of my life and I am...happier than I think I expected to be.
Life has been good. Hard at times, a total blessing at others. I have family members who sincerely love me and friends who care for my well-being.
I am now coming to accept my body for what it is- overweight and tired of being that way. 12 pounds. Do you know how long it's been since I stopped obsessing over my weight? Not that the obsession did me any good- I was rarely able to control my emotional eating, nor did I want to. Eating was the easy part. Facing the fact that I had (have) a father who doesn't know how to love me unless he is spending money on me is not. For once in my life, I want the change- and my body needs it. It has sent out its SOS and I've been lucky.
So I'm 26. I've never truly kissed a boy, been out on a date and my only relationships are with friends. Of course A and B are tied together. Sewn together really. Because why let someone in when food can be my relationship? When food can take the place of my father-figure...
But now I am 26. I am at a new place, I can start fresh. I've been thinking about running. And tonight someone (one of those dear care-ers) mentioned Lent.
And for Lent, I think I want to run.
Lent is a time to "live in my discomfort" in whatever way manifests itself. Acknowledging my unending need for french fries and then "giving up" eating them. Running because for so long I have hated to run. Because I can't without feeling gross and inadequate and uncomfortable.
But even if I only make it around the block by the end, I will have run, I will have lived in it. I will have endured some sort of suffering just like Jesus was a care-er enough to do for me.
For so long I've let myself suffer in unhealthy ways. both physically and mentally. Not that I have low self esteem, but I'm OK with being jaded and grumpy for most of my 8-hour work day. I'm OK with being lazy more often than I have a Get-Things-Done attitude.
But now I have had another birthday and I am 26. I do rock. I want to relish my awesome-ness and stop wallowing in my unhealthy ways. God is good to me more often than I want to recognize.
I want to spend the next year recognizing that and appreciating what is around me.