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230

This is the lowest my weight has been since I started college.
What's different? Well, my eating habits have changed. I gave up french fries until the end of the year. I've (mostly) automated breakfast and changed how I look at lunch. Training for the SheRox Triathlon is in high gear and although I don't work out every day of the plan, what workouts I do are intense.
Also, I don't feel as focused on food as I have in the past. It's always been a crutch, something easy to do. Don't get me wrong- I love food. I love shopping for it, cooking and baking, meals with friends...but something clicked when I decided to give up a food that I rely on pretty heavily for comfort. I mean, it's not like it's gone forever...just for now. And that's ok.
This new attitude coupled with some weird bodily functions over the past few weeks have resulted in a 15 pound weight loss (I was at 245 in May). I've been worried that it too fast- weight should ideally come off in 1-2 pound stints each week. But this seem legitimate and is a sincere boost to my esteem. Looking in the mirror, I can tell a difference!
I also spoke with my endocrinologist about it and she is not too concerned about the loss. Most of my lab numbers look good and we're talking about how to work on the rest.

And of course there is a boy that keeps flitting through my mind...

Things my Mother told me that I wished I’d believed from the beginning

- Say ‘I love you’ even when it’s hard

- Floss every day.

- With a dress or skirt, wear a slip especially WHEN IT’S WINDY!

- Never leave the house without your keys, lip balm and a memory that makes you smile.

- Sometimes a good book is all the companion you need.

- Never wear sweats on a plane.

- Even when it’s not your time of the month, carry a spare for a friend.

- Pockets in a skirt or dress are always a good thing.

- Always keep the secrets of others but be willing to tell your own.

- Save your spare change in a jar. When it’s filled, spend it on yourself.

- Make yourself at least one piece of clothing in your lifetime.

Given as a list to Alice for her "par-tay"

Inspired by: this, this and this (not the site, but the woman behind it).

239

Under 240!
The weight for the last post was incorrect. The scale has seemed more accurate this week. Weighing kittens helped to balance it out, I think.

Running has been good- a hard good, though. I can't get back to my 12:00/mile rhythm, but I'm okay with that- I did take 2+ months off!

If I can hit 7+ miles this weekend, I'll be smokin' for the Broad Street Run on May 3.

I have a goal to lose at least 10 pounds by May 14. I'm right on track- 4 down, 6 to go!

229

Is that even possible?
The last time I weighed myself on that scale was about 3 weeks ago. I was 243.
Since then, I've started running again (about 3 times a week) and started Metformin (for the PCOS) and Lisinopril (for high blood pressure). I've also found a penchant for cookie dough and ice cream that I haven't curbed.

Although now that I write that, I'm also realizing I've inadvertently altered some of my eating habits- fewer snacks at work in the last 2 weeks (if you don't have 'em, you can't eat 'em), no snacks after dinner. Bringing lunch (nearly) every day. Little else has changed.

I'm not noticing a difference in my clothes/body but most of my clothing is baggy in general (and I'm not at the place where investing in new clothing seems reasonable) and I'm constantly wearing belts with pants anyway.

I am sleeping more (7am? It's so eeeearly!) and have no motivation to get up earlier (last year at this time, I was out of bed at 5:40 most mornings for training. In the summer, even earlier) but I also can't seem to get to bed before 11am (last year it was 10-10:30 almost every night).

I think I need to keep tracking this and see where it is going.
We are heading to the beach in mid-May and I'm also wondering what I can accomplish by then- I wouldn't mind fitting into the size 18 suit I bought in September...or having to buy another one!

Week 1: 245

I have been wondering if a clearer recording of me, of my body will keep me on track. So I'm going to try it.
I started doing 30-day Shred on Tuesday. Hard, but a good, quick (20 minutes!) workout. I've got a triathlon coming up at the end of April (really small, just a bunch of friends, but legit enough to warrant training) so I need to set up my training schedule for that.
Lent starts next week too, so this weekend is when I need to start my new schedule. My plan this time? A few things are rolling around: Running every day (or following my triathlon plan), 30-Day Shred every day (this one is a definite, I think), No Google Reader from 8am-5pm, M-F (this will be rough), some daily reading/reflecting, daily/weekly blogging (want to do the weekly either way- accountability!).
Ok, here's the proof that I'm starting this:

From Blog

New year, new post.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

A number of things: Learn to run, Ran 5 5Ks, 1 10K, a half-marathon, completed a sprint Triathlon (She Rox!), Went on a date, ask a boy out on date, Adopted 2 kittens, Many triumphs in the kitchen…

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I’m not one for resolutions. Instead last year around my birthday, I sat down and wrote out my goals- just a running list of things I’d like to be able to say I did. I completed 6 or 7 off the list and created and achieved more along the way. I added to the list this year at the end of 2008, but already feel the pressure having done so. I think I’ll wait to look at them again until February.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Kate, my cell leader, gave birth to Wilder.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

I’ve never been outside of the contiguous USA! There were two trips to Florida, countless trips to NJ, weekends in NYC. One of my goals this year is to visit a new state!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

More control over my finances. I’m working on a budget!

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August 3- Triathlon

September 20- Bro’s wedding

November 23- Half Marathon

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Completing a Triathlon and half-marathon, getting my brother married, realizing some things about my family.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Hard to remember now!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I did find out about a syndrome I have, but I have been working to reverse it and I think I’ve been successful!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Running shoes, and a sweater from the Gap. There’s major significance behind both!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My own. And celebrate we did!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My father’s. I also have a hard time with political campaigns.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Training for the triathlon and fees for races!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Being able to run more than 3 miles.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

The Rocky theme.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Surprisingly, about the same. I’m working on it.
c) richer or poorer? Richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Running (in the fall especially!), sewing

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

I’ve got some bad habits I’d like to fully rid myself of. I hate when I dwell on them.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Advent was spent with Circle folks and excellent as always. I went to my parents C-mas day and spent the day with them, my brother and SIL and my cousins.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

With a kitten named Louise!

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Not much of a TV watcher although I did watch some Heros on DVD! I heart Netflix!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I think I’d alter this question- Did you learn anything new about anyone that you didn’t know this time last year?

And the answer is yes. I’d elaborate, but I don’t think it’s fair to do that here.

24. What was the best book you read?

I rediscovered the joys of the library this year (I go through phases) and really enjoyed the books I read by Jennifer Donnelly.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Pandora! I actually found out about it in late 2007 but it became my first love in 2008.

26. What did you want and get?

A date!

27. What did you want and not get?

Changes in my core.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

As I said earlier, I love Netflix! According to my history, I watched 89 DVDs this year!

The best: The Kite Runner, How’s Your News, Nacho Libre, Pure, Becoming Jane, Children of Heaven, Little Miss Sunshine, Bride and Prejudice, Born Into Brothels

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

My actual birthday was a work day. My roommate and I went out for pizza that night! I had a party the next weekend- cupcakes and appetizers!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

There are a couple of things, but naming them makes me feel like I’m dwelling!

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Does this fit?

32. What kept you sane?

Friends, kittens, my mom, colored labels in gmail…

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Colin Firth is dreamy. Although any man who plays Mr. Darcy fits that description.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Politics in general are not my thing- but I HATE the ad campaigns the most.

35. Who did you miss?

I had an ache for my college friends this year. Hooray for Facebook!

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

It’s worth it to try and run the race.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Can’t- the Rocky theme has no words!

the one where I write.

So I had a date the other night. Yes, my first one.
Who knows why it’s taken me this long. Struggles with my body certainly don’t help. I mean, it’s not like it’s that much different now than it was 9 months ago. No I didn’t have a baby. I started running about 9 months ago. I did a triathlon 2 months ago.
But enough about me. Let’s talk about the date.

It was pretty low pressure- asked a friend via e-mail to dinner, then a party. I was already going to see him earlier that day so we were to finalize our plan then. We chatted later, I suggested the Standard Tap, a place I’d heard served excellent food and had a good beer list. I picked him up and we made our way to the restaurant.
Dinner was good, the beer was excellent. Conversation went well, too. We talked about all the things you need to catch up on with someone you know-but-don’t-know-but-want-to-know-more-about-what-you-do-know (got that?). I paid the bill (because- woo! I got a promotion!) which felt slightly awkward, but not in that “I mind” kind of way. We took our Phillies swag (being given away for free) and headed out the door.
As we walked, we talked about some things we have in common and he asked my opinion on something. As part of my reply, I looped my arm through his (my big move of the night) and we walked like that all the way to the car.
We went to the party, where I did my best not to follow him around (we both knew people there) but towards the end of the evening, as I was getting tired (apple/pumpkin picking followed by a run will do that to you), I kept standing near him/listening to whatever conversation was going on around us. I didn’t add much to the convo- they were mainly talking in/about Spanish, not something I have a knowledge base for.
Finally the evening ended and we headed for the door. At the door, this cute (to me) thing happened: our hostess for the evening was using her “Greek guilt” tactics to try and convince us to stay and eat more. He grabbed my arm and escorted me outside amidst the laughter.
The card ride home was relatively quiet, some chatter about mutual friends, pumpkin carving the next weekend, etc. I dropped him off and he bounced out of the car and into his house.
Ok, so this is obviously me overanalyzing the whole situation, but I think it’s my due. It was my first! Let me continue.

I saw a glimpse of him on Sunday evening- passing like ships in the night.
I saw him again on Tuesday (he’s at my house every Tuesday for a small group meeting with my roommate and others) and had a slightly awkward conversation about the pumpkin carving (it’s not happening, he fumbled through something about friends coming in from out of town) and I dashed out the door for a late night run.
When the meeting was over, I came out of my room in search of dinner. Everyone was standing in our kitchen cooing over our new kitten (Louise!) so I chatted a bit and waited for everyone to move out the door. We exchanged a look or two (and me in my gross running gear still! I spent a few minutes in my room staring at myself in the mirror and saying “this is who you are” in order to convince myself not to change before I went out there), but that was it.
My roommate asked me how I felt seeing him after the weekend, and I thought (and still do) that it was awkward, but OK. I had realized at some point during the evening that he wasn’t there to see me, so I could not expect very much from him.

Here’s the kicker- I don’t know how to proceed from here! Did he even consider that a date? Did he have a good time? Is he interested in me? Should I just wait until I see him again (on more neutral territory) and see what happens? Yes, that sounds like a good option. A safe option.
Do I want to be safe? I’ve been safe for 26 years and look where it’s gotten me.

I know these are all normal things to wonder. But I like writing them down. This has been swarming in my head all week and it feels good to put it down.

226

It's been a while. And I do owe you a true update.
But for now...

On My Nightstand:
The Constant Princess by Philippa Gregory
Wicked
Guy not Taken by Jennifer Weiner

In my Netflix Queue:
Love’s Enduring Promise
Tenacious D: Complete Masterworks (2-disc)
A Good Year

Listening to:
Pandora Radio (before it dies!)
Yael Naim
Mechanical Bride

What I’m Searching for on Google:
Rinsing hair with Vinegar
Speed workouts for running
Koozies
Free photo editors

On My Mind:
Brother’s Wedding
Running
Jobs

Learning:
What I want to do after this job is finished (It’s a contracted project, up at the end of the February)
How much sleep I need
That I can do push-ups!

Making:
Curtains
Colored sashes
Handbags

Looking Forward To:
My race on Saturday
Nate’s Birthday party!
Women’s only Potluck

Enjoying:
Homemade Salsa
Tacos/burritos (anything Mexican, really)

Baking:
Banana Cake
Fruit Salad (not baked, but still fits here)
Grilled corn with queso fresco

My Birthday

I’m 26. Today is my birthday- a day of dreams, hopes, milestones.
I’ve lived a quarter of my life and I am...happier than I think I expected to be.
Life has been good. Hard at times, a total blessing at others. I have family members who sincerely love me and friends who care for my well-being.
I am now coming to accept my body for what it is- overweight and tired of being that way. 12 pounds. Do you know how long it's been since I stopped obsessing over my weight? Not that the obsession did me any good- I was rarely able to control my emotional eating, nor did I want to. Eating was the easy part. Facing the fact that I had (have) a father who doesn't know how to love me unless he is spending money on me is not. For once in my life, I want the change- and my body needs it. It has sent out its SOS and I've been lucky.
So I'm 26. I've never truly kissed a boy, been out on a date and my only relationships are with friends. Of course A and B are tied together. Sewn together really. Because why let someone in when food can be my relationship? When food can take the place of my father-figure...
But now I am 26. I am at a new place, I can start fresh. I've been thinking about running. And tonight someone (one of those dear care-ers) mentioned Lent.
And for Lent, I think I want to run.
Lent is a time to "live in my discomfort" in whatever way manifests itself. Acknowledging my unending need for french fries and then "giving up" eating them. Running because for so long I have hated to run. Because I can't without feeling gross and inadequate and uncomfortable.
But even if I only make it around the block by the end, I will have run, I will have lived in it. I will have endured some sort of suffering just like Jesus was a care-er enough to do for me.
For so long I've let myself suffer in unhealthy ways. both physically and mentally. Not that I have low self esteem, but I'm OK with being jaded and grumpy for most of my 8-hour work day. I'm OK with being lazy more often than I have a Get-Things-Done attitude.
But now I have had another birthday and I am 26. I do rock. I want to relish my awesome-ness and stop wallowing in my unhealthy ways. God is good to me more often than I want to recognize.
I want to spend the next year recognizing that and appreciating what is around me.